Lost..Never Found

L o s T..N e V e R f O u n D

i tink most of you have already seen my results. yupe. 4 b's, 3 a's and a fucking 'd' for my malay. haha. i am proud to of what i have achieved. especially my art! yeahoo! never did get as high as that really in class [well, there was that once when i got 82% in my art in class] haha. i love art so much. what the hell can i do without it. i've expressed myself throuhg poems, stories [nah. not really] but art? who can say anything about it? not many. it's a more clandestine way to express myself. very much indirectly. hehe. and the most devastating news i had to hear was that the skool i'm supposed to go to now [smsa] is not offering art. how fucked is that!? i was totally heart-broken. now my parents want me to take science subjects? oh, hell yeah am i taking them! if i wanted to suicide?! duh!! i hate science subjects [bio can be 'interesting' =P] but last years i almost killed myself attempting to fill my brain with stuff i wouldn't be using so much when i'm 30. i was so stressed out last year. dodn't have much time for my angel [but i made that time ;)] still, it was all for the sake of The Position in class. even if i didn't want to, it was automatic that i had to study hard and struggle just to get into top 3 in class. it stabbed me deep once when i obtained 4th in class. good thing there was a flinch in my marks that pulled me up. hehe. then there was that time when i definitely got 4th in class. no flinch. no nothing. mere laziness and insufficient hardship put me there. i felt like i have humiliated a tradition or something. not trying to sound nerd but GILA! KAN MATIE WA RASANYA! that's what kept me working during my exams. now, look where i am? my dad is fightinh to get me into the 6th form here. it's nationalism. they won't accept especially a malay who couldn't do so well in the malay exam. i don't know! i want to move! but how can i? my heart is bound here!! argh! i don't know. my dad won't allow me to re-test and wait forn a whole year till i can get into the 6th form. fuck it! i'd rather have a year off skool for once in my life. good experience =)

lOve and mucH hate,
- d e m -