x x withered recollections x x

Hmmm...

2005-05-20T17:04:00.000+08:00

my god. baru ane dapat ku online balek. my espeed lum g bebayar. damn fucked up. neways, whoever reads this...

deQ eza: haha. my kedit also very lo now. tinggal 10c. neways, me fyne here. btw, heard of Devilica? haha. you should damn meet her. neways, love you babes. mish you a lot. miss call. jgn nda.

DEAD, where've you been? oh, right. 6 feet under right? haha. neways, im not contacting much with eza too. we all have our own shit unlike you. hehe. kiddins. neways, keep in touch aytes? |m|

can't stay long here. all i can say life's been okie. not as fucked up. i got a new handphone. hoorays. well, blogging here next time.

much lOve + hate,

- h a p y d e m -

Nothing... Anymore...

2005-04-21T12:19:00.000+08:00

i'm damn fucked now. but i dun wanna think about it so much. long story. very very long since it's been ages i hadn't said anything here. anyways, i clashed my stomach 8 times last night. felt so damn good but i wasn't happy yet cause they were all shallow cuts and not much blood was shed =(

i feel so empty

i feel so stupid

i feel like i'm crazy

i feel so helpless

i feel alone

i hurt so much

i just wanna live again

i feel so dead for the past few days. i get angry so easily. i explode so easily. i can't explain why. i cry for many reasons. my tears are so shallow. and the pain is excruciating. it hurts so much like i can feel my heart tearing so slowly into pieces.

..help me..

..someone..

mucH love + hate,

- dead dem -

OH MY FUCKING LORD!

2005-04-16T19:19:00.000+08:00

my god! finally i'm online but not for long..*sobs* guys i really appreciate u guys' comments and stuff and tagging me! man windOo ku wh rh kmu.all my goth sisters and brothers *hai* kn nangis g plg ku *blows nose*

btw aku transfer to SMSA udah. life's great lah sana.new friends but most of the gurls can't appreciate me there (u know why lah guys =S) two PUNK groups suruh me join them but i said

I'M FLYING SOLO BABY!~

haha nah! i just told them i'm not punk. never gonna be. full time night creature. i'd be welcome to feed on those poor punk souls though. hehehe. newaes, i mostly hand out with the bois there (sl their band stories interest me so much..OoOo..)but life's good. better than TANAM ANGGUR DI RUMAH!

oh yes. let's talk about home. well, i'm fed up of it.i'm sick of someone there (name not disclosed due to personal reasons) i dunno. i just hate it sometimes. don't ask why. batah lagi mun ku kan explain *hai* yatah doakan for me that i'll have my espeed back soon. i feel like running away from home! uwa! can't take it! oh well.

well people i think i have to say goodbye *cries again* hey since i don't contact with all of you, here's my number [8633044] and u guys better msg me first or something so if unknown number JAN HARAP KU BLS!!! ASSWIPES!!! feels so good to curse here. hehe. anyways...

assakammualaikum warahmatuallah hiwabarakatu. sekian thank u!

lOve and much hate,

- d e m -

I'm Back!

2005-03-10T16:32:00.000+08:00

OH MY EFF-IN GOD!!! I'M BACK AFTER WHAT I FELT A MILLION YEARS!!! MWAHAHA! BACK MORE FILTHY AND WICKED AND WHACKED!!!!!!

nie cha: hey babe..i missed you..wanted to keep in contact but have no idea how..ryte now i got a hard time trying to keep in touch with everyone coz internet ku BALUM BEBAYAR!!! *shits* btw, missed you babe.. *kisses*

paranoia: BaBy SiStEr!!! i miss you toO..thnx for msging me masatue deQ..gOd, u have no idea how much i missed everyone!!! bila xams mu abiz deQ? jan lupa ah jumpa sisH! bnr2 kn ku jumpa deQ wh..gOt hOts hOts news fOr ya! hehe..call/msg me ah! *kisses*

zaf: thnx babe..hey sorry..i dun realli have the time to check uer webbie out coz am in @ knj now..hehe

zephyroth: oh..from the darkest of my soul..from the filthiest of my heart..thank you for linking me..mwahaha..hey, thnx ill check out whats with the link..happens most of the time..can we be friends? =P man..im whacked

ohh man..ohh lordy..how i missed the touch on the keyboard..how i missed everyone!!! got lotsa stuff to tell.. would you believe ive been journalizing in a little fCkd book? haha..ill try transferring everything onto the blog for you creeps tp read aytes? ryte now ain't the ryte time..

missed you everyone..misSsSsS you aLL!!!

mucH lOve + h8

- d e m -

Welcome Freaks Of All Shapes and Sizes

2005-02-19T13:44:00.000+08:00

welcome. welcome. all freaks. emebeciles. mutants. whatever. whoever you are. this is my new concept. hope all of you like it better than my lamer, stupid one which was a mess on mozilla. anywaes, if there's anything wrong with this one, jux tag me or comment me aytes? [thnx deQ paranoia for informing me about the links but it seemed okie here to me =)]
hmm. hope you guys enjoy the bg song. it's the german death song by rammstein. [we are living in america! coca cola! wonder bra!] and the huge picture there is supposedly an anime image of lucifer [*drOols*]
well, apologies guys if i haven't typed or entered anything lately [oh yea. like anyone would care what i put up here.] anywaes, about life? been going good i guess. not too depressing. not stressful. not scary. not too good. not too joyful. not ecstatic. not exciting nor fascinating.

no. no. i didn't cut these past few days, in fact for the past few weeks. haha. yea. good for me. hooray. gah

well, met me angel yesterday [*drifts into oblivion*] we played games. lotsa games! haha. cards. stuff. and stuff and other stuff. haha. god, it was so damn nice to hear him laff. would be nicer to watch him laugh his head off to death! haha. nadawah. nau`zubillah

I LOVE ME NEW BLOG!

well lame from my perception but who the ~~FUCK~~ cares right? hehe

much lOve and hate,
- F R E S H d e m -

Fresh Blood

2005-02-15T19:31:00.000+08:00

i mite be coming up with a new scheme for my blog cause me realize it sucx big time. hehe. plus me sayang has a better one [grrrr...] so i wanna b THE BEST! haha. nadawah. anyways check him out too:

http://wickednaughty.blogspot.com

much lOve + hate,

- d e m -

Me Sad

2005-02-12T18:54:00.000+08:00

do i look sad and pitiful here?
nah.
i tink i look plain PATHETIC
yupe.
~~UGLY GURL!!!!!!~~
hahaha.
i'm so fucked.
even the webcam was fucked.
lOve + much LOTSA HATE,
- M A D d e m -

Damn

2005-02-12T18:02:00.000+08:00

2nite i kip askin myself y dO u lOve me?
i feel like im nOthin.
nO 1 reali knOes me.
wat is it u see in me?
im nOt pretty.
im nOt gOod.
im nOt beautiful.
im nOt smart.
sO y dO u lOve me?

sent on 11.02.05 around midnite to +6738...... hehe. secret. nah. i sent it to my lovely angel. i dunno. i started crying again last night. no idea why. was just thinking of us. thinking of the past. i never did want to throw the past away. without the past, i wouldn't be what i am today. i wouldn't have learned from all my mistakes.

i may have hated the past. but i can never rid of it. but sometimes it just hurts to remember it again. how i got hurt. i am what i am today because of all the people who made me this way.
some never really did love me. some never really did appreciate me for who i really am. some abused me. some just used me.

i know there are still people who love me. i might be selfish and ignorant not to think of them but i can't help it. i always crave those who don't covert for me. i was blind not to see their true colours behind the forests of delights and kindness. no one is an angel here. angels are in heaven. pure. the world is full of hybrids of angels and demons. i just kept on seeing angels then. i never gave a chance to search for the demon in them.

sayang, if u read this. you may be a demon. you may be an angel. but to me, you will always be MYangel or demon. i love you. don't leave me here to die alone.

much lOve + hate
- d e m -

I bled...

2005-02-10T11:41:00.000+08:00

i dunno what the hell came over me last night. i was going insane all
of a sudden. madness took over me. insanity devoured all that i could
think of. darkness flooded my eyes. i felt my eyes soak with tears,
burning my pupils with warmth of that of blood. i found a silver object
before me.i took it. cold on my flesh. sharp. it dug deep into my
veins. i started motioning it horizontally onto my wrists. what an
ecstatic feeling i felt. a sensation so heavenly yet so scorching. then
my thoughts returned to me. i opened my eyes. i saw blood flowing out
like a waterfall. what a wonderfully horrific sight to remember.

forgive me anyone, everyone for punishing myself. i deserve to be for all that i've done.

i'm addicted to pain. hurting is my drug. my ecstasy. my love.

much love and hate
- d e m -

Sorrow

2005-02-09T18:53:00.000+08:00

ysterday was one of the saddest, most terrible days i ever had [well top 20 lah] i dunno how the hell to explain and i'm so damn sick of trying to explain what happened. all i can say i was like a ticking time-bomb smlm and i just went off so unfortunately at the wrong time, at the wrong person and for the wrong reasons. how sad is that? =( i didn't misscall him almost the whole day yesterday. in the afternoon, i kept rejecting his calls. then at night, langsung nada ku balas his misscalls or messages. ntah arah sapa jua aku marah ane? ada jua arah myself, ada jua arah my angel. but i don't wanna be mad at him. i wanna be mad at me cause it's all my fucking freaking fault. i don't wanna say what was this all about neither do i wanna try to explain it. it's just killing me at the moment. but he sent me a testimonial [so sweet] arah friendster yesterday. aww.

NuTtY, Tuesday, February 08, 2005:
Hello syg~lama dah was nda buat testi
untuk syG~AnyWay~sorrY About
TodAy...Was LambAt Btau Sal Was
sbenarnya kana bawa kBSB tadi Kali
Was Nda mau Ikut Taus Lah Was MinTA
Antar K Seria...Was Salah baca Msg
Syg tadi Wah...KIr was mc1x MUn jumpa
Umah Gee~udah was Baca Kali k2 Baru
tah was Paham~SowEee k...i Really99x
sorry~make u angry~i dont meant to do it
to u!!!!!plz Forgive me !!!Ani Masih wah
Was Rasa SalAh...D mc kana rejet mana
kan makin susah hati....Uat Masa
Ani..Syg tau kan what happen to Was
Masa Ari ahad ah...Makin Jarang lah
Was Kana Bagi Duit ni...Bah Mun Was
nDa Jadi Tido Bsb esok Tani jmpa ari 4 k!!!
sorry again! for make fault make u angry
today~I really love u n really mizz u my
aujieEeEEe....Wndu beravis lah!!sorry
again and again~!!!love u my Angel of
darkness!!!mwahZzZZz *309*1510*

yea. kinda gagas kle time ya typing or maybe too mad or sumthing smpai catue ah ya taip. hehe. i dunno la.

but i met him jux now *jumping up and down like a bunny* it was like *swish* smooth. as if nothing happened yesterday. it wasn't awkward. not strange. nothing. cam biasa sha. aww. i love him so damn frigging much. love you so much angel, if you're reading this.

much lOve + hate,
- d e m -

Hot...Babes! Haha!

2005-02-09T16:20:00.000+08:00

i found a few reali reali hot pictures from the net. reali hot. it totally turned me on. guys, you're gonna love this but for those soft-hearties, gurly gurls DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO LOOK AT MY PAGE! this is a personal fave of mine. you ready people. okie. here it is :

isn't it lovelay? haha. this one was very very nice [stole it from someone's friendster. shh.] haha. if the person whp realized that i stole it from her profile, apologies aytes? and applause for your pictures. haha. okie here's another one:

mwahaha. as you all know. yea. these are the tatu babes. i know. H. O. T. hehe. i wonder what ever happened to them. i heard that the red-head got preggy. aww. too bad. i'm not reali into them. seen their 'how soon is now?' video? my god. there was this part where they reali went lip-to-lip. i don't think they showed it on mtv here in brunei [byasala..MIB! bleghh!] i dunno where she got these photos but i'll try to find out. hehe.

this i found on sinfulgothic.com. on one of the links. my god! look at those busts! compared to mine below...

yupe, mine ain't nothing but a pair of mandarin oranges *sigh* and i'm proud of it! haha. okie. i'm not gay or anything but i dunno. i like to delve into something fresher and unique [not that lesbianism is] but to me it's totally new. haha. hey reminder: I'M NOT GAY! i just developed this interest for 'certain' things. hehe.

oh yeah. i posted up a picture on my msn with 2 guys kissing. i got like 80% 'yucks and bleghs' rather than 'oOos' or 'whoas'. hehe. i would totally respect any guy who'd dare do that here. haha. not particularly gay but ANY GUY. so any guy who can do a french kiss with another guy for let's say 15 seconds and enjoyed it at least 0.01% of it, you have me respects man! haha. i'm so naughty man! haha. of course. contagious infection from my naughty angel. haha [not that he's gay, too!] baby, thanks to you, i enjoy porn more than i've ever loathed it. haha! i'm so sick.

much lOve and hate,
- PERVERTED d e m -

exhausted

2005-02-05T19:02:00.000+08:00

~~E x H a U s T e D~~

this is how me look like when i'm so FUCKING TIRED! haha. jux finished
dancing my ass offf. now i gotta find where my ass is. hopefully it
didn't bounce off while i was busy jux now. haha. can you imagine an
ass bouncing around here and there? haha. hmm. i've worn off 40% of my
battery. am still okie. btw, i found this reali reali cute babe on
frenzter. very very pretty with reali thick eyeliner. not so pale. she
had a deathstick in her mouth. one of her pictures were of her arm with
more than a dozen fresh razor cuts. respects babe! haha.oh yea. i
watched this reali great movie last night. it was called 'may'. it was
one of the most DISTURBING movies i have ever seen. more disturbing
than Hellraiser. what the movie projected was something that could
happen to anyone and what anyone could just do. the last part was the
best when she stole operating instruments [especially the large butcher
surgical knife] then she started going trick-or-treating and started
amputating all those who betrayed her. haha. then at home, she started
stitching the parts up, making a new 'dolly' for herself. since
[obviously] the doll couldn't see, May became more and more hysterical,
crying out 'why can't you see?! why can't you see?!' she got so annoyed
by that fact [psycho] that she went to the mirror, said her last
goodbyes to her lazy eye that she had, then grabbed a large stainless
pair of scissors and poked her eye with it and gouged it out! fantastic
ending! kudos to the director and producer and blood-maker and not
forgetting, the creator, the writer. check it out people. it ain't
creepy like ju-on creepy or exorcist creepy but DISTURBING.the best way
to suicide.
much love + hate,
- d e m -

Gahh..

2005-02-05T14:59:00.000+08:00

~~G a H h ...~~

im bored ryte now [yea you always are] ive got nothing to do but sit in front of this damn monitor, chat, mess my webpages up and shit [like you got anything better to do. you do but you gotta admit you're just too damn lazy to do anything. hell, you can move the earth out of orbit for all i care] shut up! shut up! SHUT UP!
hehe. voices are everywhere. i don't wanna talk to them but they just keep on coming and coming and coming. i know they won't stop until everyone around me knows that they're there. haha. i'm talking so much bullcrap ryte now.
i miss my angel now. haha [balik² jua eh anak ane!] hehe.
oh yea, my story came out again today. the thing that sucked was that the ending sucked!!! they totally cut it off without even telling whether there'll be a continuation or not. THERE'S SUPOSSED TO BE ONE! i know from the eyes of a reader, i'd be totally be hanging from the hook LITERALLY! it's supposed to be a hanging ending, leaving you in question what would happen to the characters tapi ane is just without ending! *&%$! !@*%^! now i'm pissed!
neways, those who were interested [thank god!] with my articles. i'll be posting them somewhere here next time [umpteenth time you said that] grrr. okie i'm gonna go practice on my growl now. man, that otep chick is so.. *GROWL*
much love + hate,
- d e m -

Brief

2005-02-04T19:09:00.000+08:00

~~B r i e f~~

i knOe all this is pretty brief for today. hehe. was so busy dancing my ass off, laffing my ass off, everything. hehe. nada la. was also busy posting songs into my blog [it's somewher there in the page. search! you know how to use a mouse right?] so that you idiots err guys can hear what i listen to for this err time being. haha. well from today, i have otep, disturbed [i tink] corporation clown? [i'm not sure. but the song is kewl] and other 5 more. so check it out. i can't stay long cause mama bear wants to go home and have goldilocks for dinner before she gets away then go to sleep. [ada alarm system d umah anyway] haha.
much lOve + hate,
- d e m -

Dull

2005-02-03T18:02:00.000+08:00

~~D u L L~~

i'm so FREAKIN' bored ryte now. went out dis morning with my darlenx. went to his house [wow] hehe. err. then we did stuff together. hehe. then we went out again. then we went back to his house again. then we did sum stuff together again. hehe. then we went out again to the beach. then here i am. haha. i'm so damn tired now.

err. we're almost done with our janet jackson dance btw [rhytm nation] love it man. better than any dance we've ever done. i feel like an sojai [soldier] doing that. haha. i know. not so 'tough and scary' coming from me. hey, good exercise. good way to make me more anorexic. today, i just ate less than half a styrofoam of spicy rice, orange juice and coke. i peed more than i shit. haha.

i miss you sayang. so damn much! you're my bOi! you're my angel! you're my shadow! my life! my heart! my soul! MY DEATH!!!

if i were to die, i wanna die because of YOU

oh btw, i have now a ~~DEATH LIST~~

one victim counting

lOve and much hate

- d e m -

Queer

2005-02-02T14:42:00.001+08:00

~~Q u E e R~~

aww man. i miss my syg wa. uwa *cry* man, he just sent me a message at 14:26:03 tadi and dis was the sweetest thing he said to me today : "wndu wah was kn gee. mcm ada ilang part was wah. wndu eh! luv u mz u! mwahzZz!" aww. me windu u too syg. spatutnya we jumpa today and i'll be going to his house *evil smile* but then ada some 'problems' so na jadi tia *sad smile* part apa kan yg ilang tue ah? atue sha i'm heran about dari tdi. haha. joke.
this is my top within 10 list of songs that described my mood today [err..not really describe but some of them that caught my mood today]:

crazy : aerosmith
[i go crazay! crazayy! crazay! for you baybeyyy!]

ultimate : lindsay lohan
[*i'm the drummer *darlie smile*]

my prerogative : bitchney sperm
[hey it's a nice song. kinda realtes a bit to what i'm facing now. kinda. check out the video! sizzling hot! i'd totally do you brit! eyO! apakan???

rumors: lindsay lohan
[hey, dun ask. i just love the beat. check out the video too! the naughty side of lindsay! i didn't know her boobs were that big, round *drools* haha *slaps face* i'm so psycho right now]

only one : yellowcard
[uwa! this song makes me wanna cry. i know this is one of his fave songs *sob*]

lovesong (cure cover) : perfect circle/jack off jill
[makes me more suicidal and wanna scream!!!]

i miss you.
so
damn
~~MUCH!!!~~
lOve
~~yOu!!!~~
much love and hate,
- P S Y C H O d e m -

To-Do

2005-02-02T13:08:00.000+08:00

~~T o - D o~~

some of the things i have to do for today.
reminder to self [no more space left in my online reminder]:
get BIGGER and LONGER online reminder. haha. i'm so bored. by the way, anyone know where to get a gif animation maker? anyone? please? i'm desperate. will starve or bleed to get gif maker?
much lOve + hate
- d e m -

Sweet..

2005-02-01T19:09:00.000+08:00

~~S w E e T~~

haha. this was something i drew the other night. i'm not sure which night but check the dates and time, it's scribbled there somewhere on the drawing. i was so damn bored that night. nothing better to do. then i thought of him. hehe. that's how i pictured us together when we had nothing better and productive to do. haha. nah, no way am i asking for a kid now. i love kids but not now. hehe. we're gonna adopt a biawak first and see how it goes. we'll buy a baby crib for it and feed it blood in its baby bottle everyday. aww. what a sweet family we'll make. a lil demented gal, a simple boy and a little baby green biawak. that's like worst than the addams family. haha. hmm. i'll be posting more of my drawing here and other stuff that i can find on the internet. i learned how to make gif images already. you know, those animated icons. man, they're so lovelay. haha. oh yea i found this really kewl picture. at first, it kinda looked disgusting but eventually..

*drools* so sexay! two cute boys kissing. no pants off! now that would be disgusting already. haha. i have a serious problem already. i'm becoming venereally disgusting and weird. i dunno. well kids that's what you get from glueing your eyes for more than 7 hours onto the monitor WITH INFINITE INTERNET CONNECTION! haha. oh man. i am so sick. that's why i need you much angel. w****e! mish u baby boi. hehe. tadi kami jumpa. yeahoo! hehe. no form of physical contact though. mommy and daddy were watching. haha.
much lOve + hate,
- S I C K d e m -

Lost..Never Found

2005-02-01T14:37:00.000+08:00

~~L o s T..N e V e R f O u n D~~

i tink most of you have already seen my results. yupe. 4 b's, 3 a's and a fucking 'd' for my malay. haha. i am proud to of what i have achieved. especially my art! yeahoo! never did get as high as that really in class [well, there was that once when i got 82% in my art in class] haha. i love art so much. what the hell can i do without it. i've expressed myself throuhg poems, stories [nah. not really] but art? who can say anything about it? not many. it's a more clandestine way to express myself. very much indirectly. hehe. and the most devastating news i had to hear was that the skool i'm supposed to go to now [smsa] is not offering art. how fucked is that!? i was totally heart-broken. now my parents want me to take science subjects? oh, hell yeah am i taking them! if i wanted to suicide?! duh!! i hate science subjects [bio can be 'interesting' =P] but last years i almost killed myself attempting to fill my brain with stuff i wouldn't be using so much when i'm 30. i was so stressed out last year. dodn't have much time for my angel [but i made that time ;)] still, it was all for the sake of The Position in class. even if i didn't want to, it was automatic that i had to study hard and struggle just to get into top 3 in class. it stabbed me deep once when i obtained 4th in class. good thing there was a flinch in my marks that pulled me up. hehe. then there was that time when i definitely got 4th in class. no flinch. no nothing. mere laziness and insufficient hardship put me there. i felt like i have humiliated a tradition or something. not trying to sound nerd but GILA! KAN MATIE WA RASANYA! that's what kept me working during my exams. now, look where i am? my dad is fightinh to get me into the 6th form here. it's nationalism. they won't accept especially a malay who couldn't do so well in the malay exam. i don't know! i want to move! but how can i? my heart is bound here!! argh! i don't know. my dad won't allow me to re-test and wait forn a whole year till i can get into the 6th form. fuck it! i'd rather have a year off skool for once in my life. good experience =)

lOve and mucH hate,
- d e m -

Tag Me Or Die!!!

2005-01-29T13:02:00.000+08:00

~~T a G o r D i e!!~~

ladies and gentleworms! in case those of you who wish to comment/criticise or senselessly insult me, you can tag me on my chat box under the middle box on the page. you know, the one with me pic on it and the first heading 'pathetic gurl'. yeaa..then scroll down and tag me aytes? if you still dunno where the hell that is, then you must be a little retarded or something. kiddins'. just search the page for it. that's why i didn't make the page so elongated with dozens of pages. just simple and dark.

much love + hate,

- d e m -

Armageddon

2005-01-29T11:49:00.000+08:00

~~a R m a G e D d O n~~

"results coming out today!" *screams*

"really?"

"totally positive!" *sobs*

"i see..ahhh.." *sarcastic scream*

this is like the fucking umpteenth time i've heard that from everyone. [-_-] this is becoming really really damn tedious already. ntah la. i jux know that it'll be coming out this week. that's the 'rumour' now. i'll only be screaming my pussy off when i have those results right before my very naked bulging eyes. haha. well, pray for me people that i would pass my MALAY! haha. mau jua ku masuk smsa cne ah. if not, i dunno where the hell i'm gonna go. kana send to oxford/melbourne kale *slipknot scream* shits man! that would be just so [x_X]

i'm so sorry God for every little sin i've done. i'm just a mixed-up stubborn teenager who doesn't really know what she's getting into but knows better than to get hooked on weed or pills or other bad-ass gimick they have here. i just want to pass my o'levels. amin!

anyways, i'll also be praying for the rest of those in this little pathetic country that you will get what you think is best for you. hope hard, pray hard!

i'm listening to drowning pool- bodies! oh yea, muthafocker, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! haha.

much love+hate,

- d e m -

Flick Flick!

2005-01-27T18:38:00.000+08:00

~~F l i C k²!~~

hey wat's dat? wer? dat? ohh dat? dat. is. what. you call.
FLICKING YOU!
haha. i love doing that people. can't wait to flick people when i get back to skool! i'm gonna start causing havoc again like i did in the old days. going to be more arsenistic. haha. nah. i'm throwing my immature, childish bad habits awa y and i'm gonna turn onto a new leaf. A ROTTEN STINKING, MORE SMART ASS LEAF! haha. i dunno what foretime will hold. new things? duh!

oh lordy! (yea, got that from my dysfuct, multi-accented huggy buddy, whose name he refuses to be stated publicly *barfs lovingly on his lap*) hehe. another dear, maniac moron friend of mine (Rachel, yea..u mine babes) said (err.typed actually) something that kinda really touched me and very much related to me, in fact all of us. i quote: "new life, new job, new friends, nothing's old". how true can that be. as much as i don't want to but hey, if you knew how it felt to be forlorned and choicelessly isolated, i guess you have to really start fresh. not that i want to lose anyone dear to me but just transforming a little bit of this and that. pray for me people that i will get a better, as a matter of fact, even a tad better, that i will get a new life. but it won't mean am changing my wicked-ass attitude. (yea. i hear those groans. haha.) i miss the past, the one that really meant THE WHOLE WORLD to me, but somethings' gotta be booted out the door. sigh. sad. but somewhere, sometime a smile hides behind a tear.
love and hate,
- d e m -

What Is A Goth?

2005-01-26T19:05:00.000+08:00

~~w H a T's g O t H ?~~

- someone who always wears black as if they were going to attend a funeral?

- someone who likes weird grotesque things other would loathe?

- someone who thinks his/herself is a vampire?

- someone who likes to be depressed for the sake of being called a goth?

- someone who likes to be angry at the world for the sake of being called a goth?

- someone who likes being nocturnal?

- someone who likes industrial/dark wave/headaching music?

- someone who likes wearing accesories which others would regard as 'items of torture'?

- someone who likes to be alone?

- someone who wears very pallid foundation and dark thick eyeliner?

- someone who enjoys cradle of fitlh or marilyn manson?

- someone who likes to cut themselves?

- someone who constantly thinks of suicides?

- someone who is just like you?

i just learned something from another 'goth': a real goth would never claim that he/she is a goth. a real goth is who others claim is a goth. goths are like everyone else: depressed, alone, suicidal, psychotic. it's all basically various human behavior. we can't really tell who is or who's not a goth. they're everywhere. we're everywhere. i don't claim i am. i don't really know who i am but because others claim who i am to be, i am what i am today. perhaps i'm not goth, some might say i am a poser. but say what you want idiots! i love the dark, being in love and obsessive about the darkness and nocturnes. they're my interests. don't label me if you have nothing 'intellect' to say. i accept criticism but i don't accept shallow insults.

be what you are..live what you are..changing won't be for the best or the worst..it'll just be living a lie..either white or black..

much love + hate,

- d e m -

Crazee!!!

2005-01-26T18:48:00.000+08:00

~~L e T t e R~~

this is an entry i made in my Unholy Book Of Hate. haha. i was pretty fucked up then..i dunno wat the hell was going on with me. it was the first hours of the 24th of this month. at 00:57. i had no idea (and still don't) what the hell was the matter with me. could cause i was told of the bad news that my Nefarius was going to bandar for a whole week (argh..!) or something else which i can't figure out what. anyways, here was what i wrote in my bloody, dirty little Unholy Book Of Hate..

what the fuck is the matter with me? why am i crying now? why am i crying almost every night? i want to know the answers so badly! i'm so scared that all these would end. it's like waiting for my day to die. everytime i think of you, i can feel the cold tears run down my face. everytime i'm not with you, i feel like i wanna kill myself. everytime when your not with me, it feels so painful inside. everytime i see your face in my head, i feel like breaking into a million pieces inside. i'm supposed to be happy when i'm with you, when i think of you, but why the fucking hell am i crying right now? i feel so far away from you. i feel like i'm dying without you. i want to stop crying cause my eyes are burning already but i can't! i just want someone to tell me why am i like this? why do i feel this way? i think i'm crazy. i'm obsessed with you and i'm too afraid that i might lose you! i'm scared that i may be happy now and be so so stupid enjoying everything, and turns out in the end that i'd lose you. i love you so much that it hurts inside. it's killing me inside when i'm not next to you. why?! someone please tell me the answers, why do i cry when i think of you?! i want to smile when you're in my head. i want to be happy but i can't! i think i'm really crazy that it really scares me! i want to be happy so you'll be happy too! i'm crazy! i know i am! cause i don't have the answers! i can't explain my feelings now! I WANT TO SCREAM RIGHT NOW! I LOVE YOU AND IT'S KILLING ME!!!

that's all i wrote that night with my little red pen. it scared me. scared me not to be able to think clearly. not to be able to answer myself. not to be able to feel secure knowing that i'm with you. it hurts like shit. that's love, baby. unconditional. unpredictable. i just hope it'll lasts.

Sayang, if you're reading this. i love you and i'll never let you go *mwkx*

much lOve + hate,

- d e m @ g e e -

My Dead Body

2005-01-23T17:35:00.000+08:00

~~M y D e a D B o D y~~

Tell me again what I've done,
Remind me why I deserve this,
Why I risked to drink the poison.

Torn by the truth of this damn life,
I decided to deaden myself,
But before I knew it, before I could,
You were already dancing over my body.

I roam endlessly through the dark,
Without reason, without dream,
With not even memories to live on.

Though your pain has given away,
My self has also lost to it,
The poison raped me of everything,
Everything excepting my worthless dead body.

I walked thought your pain,
I've suffered and survived,
Especially for you,
I've sinned and I've lied,
At last I’ve found you,
I was blind all this time,
Now even these unholy grounds,
Refuse to take my dead body down.

What else do you want from me?
What else is there left of me?
I am nothing else but a lot soul,
A foolish God-forsaken soul,
Trapped forever,
In this God-forsaken dead body.

much lOve+hate,

- d e m -

Hibernation By Tomorrow

2005-01-23T14:25:00.000+08:00

listening to frequency [fear factory].shittin` good. oh wait. now it's pulse of the maggots [slipknot] *headbanging on table* i cried last night on my bed. i dunno why. was just so fuckin` fucked up. i think im losing it. haha. i need help badly. i need someone to tell me where do i really stand now. i dun even know how i got myself into this shit. i have a reali reali serious obsession now. im hoping i can get out of it as easily as i got into it. he'll be leaving to bandar tomorrow for A WEEK! how cruddy can my life get? hehe. look, now i'm laughing at everything that i'd usually cry to. muahaha. someone call the asylum, we got a psycho online! i'm just trying to keep on that 'happy' mask i put on everyday, hoping my skin tissues would fuse to it and so would me brain compromise with it. hey, my story came out yesterday again [22.01.05] check it out sickos! part 2 of it will be coming out next week. about the story, i didn't really apprehend the moral or in fact the point of what was really happening in it but hey as long as it gets publoished and it's a tad understandable, so print it! hehe. i'm so psycho right now!

much lOve+h8e,

- d e m -

My Face

2005-01-22T18:42:00.000+08:00

This is the face underneath the roses that pollute the mask i have to wear everyday. If only you guys knew the pain I go through everyday, the pain that approaches me everyday. I want to escape it all. Suicide was never the answer. So don't worry guys. I know better than that. I haven't much time to say much here. You can read my journal on my VampFreak website. Not trying to advertise here, but i just need a voice that it willing to reach out to me.

much love and hate,
- d e m -

Blood Will Grow Younger Through Eternity

2005-01-20T14:06:00.000+08:00

Before I start, I'd like to wish all the best in life to my dear little kin, Eza [Paranoia]. Happy Barfday Dearie! =) May you be blessed with more prosperity and goodness in life than darkness and agony. blessed be. i'm so bored [as usual]. listening to COF's newest album. can't get enough of it. oh yea, i had a dream last night that my angel died. it was the saddest dream i've ever had. in my dream, we were on this holiday in some place. we were staying at a chalet or something. i was with my fam and he was with his friends. we decided to meet up discreetly. i arrived at our planned rendezvous yet i waited for hours and hours but still he never came. then i found out that there was an inferno somewhere around the chalets and he was one of them. my family also burned in the misfortunate accident. i went home without a family, without anyone. i couldn't sleep. i couldn't go anywhere. everytime i tried to eat, i had this sickening sensation in my throat. i threw up frequently till i had no nutrition left in my rotting, lifeless body but puke out all my body fluids and blood. day by day, i was dying leisurely. i couldn't cry because i hadn't anymore fluids left in me. the worst thing in this nightmare was that i had to break out the horrid news to my angel's friends. i wanted so badly to burst out in tears but couldn't. then i woke up and i started crying all i wanted on my pillow this morning. now i have puffy red eyes! shyt!

much love + hate,
- d e m -

Entering Purity

2005-01-19T13:49:00.001+08:00

that was my latest article published in the borneo bulletin last saturday.i dunno what date was it.but please do check it out people.i actually published 4 already.hehe.my next one is coming up.it could be the one called 'demise were in his words' or the other more senseless one 'a brief unnaturally perturbed life'. well the first one's about this guy who supernaturally seduces girls and ends up owning their souls, one day causing a serius accident when one of those girls suicided, not being able to handle her inevitable obsession with him anymore.then comes along this girl named 'Valentine' who instead seduces him.he becomes obsessed with her and finally knows how it feels to be virulently in love.i won't say the ending.check it out for yourself.there's a real twist in it.haha.right now,i'm waiting for lunch.i'm damn hungry,considering i'm on the verge of being anorexic.i'm not so sure that i realli am but mommy says that i could be.hehe.i'll be updating again.err.in a few more hours if i have reached tedium again.

much lOve + hate tO all Of u Out there,
- d e m @ g e e -

New Day For New Tears

2005-01-15T03:35:00.000+08:00

i think this is the 3rd blog i've tried to create...the last two didn't work out coz guess wat? i was too damn lazy! haha...that time i was too hooked on my other website craps like this...so now, i got nothing else to do and i was finally convinced by one of my friends (well, sum actually...) that blogs are pretty kewl...ryteee...well, my day has just begun and i doubt anything good or fascinating would happen since nothing astounding happened so far since the start of the holidays...if you think the holidays rock, wait till you're in my shoes!!! life stinks and the more you're gonna rot, making it a lot stinkier and putrid than it ever was, killing you slowly day by day that it's be too late to even pull you out from the stinkiness you put yourself in! okie...i think i'm a little overeacting...but hey, what's overeacting if it's not too much ryte? haha...now i'm just trying to be hilarious which i know i'm not...so anyways, check me out some more...i know this might suck but what the hell? i'm doing this for myself! m, rock on suckers! ,m

much lOv3 + h83,
- d e m i l i u s -